swinging back...

how did i get here?
why did it comes to this?
i was bathing in saffron
i was running through bliss

and now i pause
stop
freeze
wait

hold on

how did i get here?
this chill hard place
i don't like my reflection
must re-spackle the face

smile
move
talk
laugh

my heart cries a-foul
as i crank and reel
edging my way back
to how i would feel
when the air was warm
and the snow was bright
when the kitty was soft
when i welcomed the night

to hear crickets and waterfalls
to hear drum beats and hearts
to see glorious beauty
to see rainbows of light

but now i toss
turn
pull
push

sitting on my swing
back and forth, to and fro
while the wind swishes past me
close my eyes as i go
is it worse that i can't see?
when i go very fast
have to stop getting dizzy
nothing left but the the past

photo by naupliosa

direct link on deviantart: http://fav.me/d1enqxn

under my bed

on a night like this
when i have used 
my body 
in ways it should 
never have known 
when the spectral images 
dark activity 
still hover 
in the room
dancing 
infront of my eyes, 
macabre reminders
haven't yet dissipated, 
haven't risen up 
and out of the window
into the darkness outside 
mingling with the other evils 
out there
the visions havent stopped, 
my heart has. 

i am lonely 
the heat of another 
dirty night, 
time hasnt taught me anything 
but how to close my eyes
pray to be new
the secrets lie 
in bed mocking me
smiling garish toothless
grins at my defeat
they don't know 
of the space 
beneath my bed
they don't know of the 
of the cool, quiet place
i don't sin there
a cool thin worn sheet, 
sunny yellow flowers
green leaves
small yellow polka dots 
perhaps they can soak cheer into me, 
pink and silver running 
sneaker as a pillow 
the secrets have never reached 
this space they float up and out
out of that window 
that window 
into the night
the cool air 
the breeze
i wonder 
if i stood on the ledge
if i put a foot out
and then another
would i walk on the stars
could i dance in the air
light and gauzy
it's so heavy
my heart 
so heavy
the weight of the bed
the weight of the bed

the weight of my past
i wish
to fly on the wind
a floating sin
have floating skin
to the sky, to the twinkle 
twinkle
away from the echoes 
reverb can't stop hearing 
heavy breath in my ear
heavy hand on my chest
heavy body
heavy bed

i was to be
weightless
i was to twinkle
i was to be cheerful 
yellow and white, light
but i can't climb 
out from under 
close my eyes 
pray to be new
under the weight 
under the weight
under this heavy burden
under the weight of this bed

Jani Rosado copyright 2009