purple strings

break break break my concentration

my focus is taking me higher into the mountains that i saw on the horizon

like a bullring, like a home-cooked meal across the arid plains

follow follow follow your goal, your path, your future, your DEssssSTINY

i see the red balloon and eyes up, nose up i follow

running behind it, tripping on jagged rocks

patent leather mary-janes scuffed, gouged, stuck in crags

breaking my stockings and mussing my socks

my dress is getting dirty

i can hear the music there

the first strains of violins and tambourines

my own song playing from over yonder

follow follow follow the red balloon

break break break my concentration

the threads of purple hold me back

pop pop pop they pop with the pressure of my pushing chest  

go forth, little girl

little hands behind me, i grip

hundreds of tiny hands at my waist 

at my back, i grip

i feel like a linebacker 

i feel like a bulldozer

i feel like a shovel in the sand

as i raise my head and crane my neck to follow my red balloon.

Jani Rosado copyright 2009

Art by Tattoomaus78 ~deviantart

Today is Mine

They are free of cares at this very moment,
Mami prepares dinner, I watch him sit on the floor with his toys
For just a few more hours, I want to live this...to see them worry free
I sit and watch them move their limbs without a worry in the world.
That will change soon, as it has for me
Once I tell her, every time she lifts that spoon it will be filled with a new knowledge. The rice she stirs will be heavy.
I know that he won't understand until the effects are visible, when I'm unable to play, when i'm unable to lift him into the air and swing.
I'll do that in a little while, because for now I can.
Because today is mine.
I know that Mami will remember me as a little girl. When my hair is thinning she will remember when it was growing in as a toddler. I will see that on her face...I dread that moment.
l look down and remember him at my breast as a newborn,
They were once a glorious miracle, they are now...tick... tick... tickiing
A wave of nausea washes me pale, my stomach tightens with fear.
Mami makes jokes that at first I don't hear. The sounds are abstract, they shimmer like water...her voice is lovely.
His laugh rises up twinkling like dewdrops on my spirit.
I am resolved and sure that I will dig in my heels, and
I will fight and battle within an inch of my life for the life that she gave me, for the life that I gave him
I'm so afraid of "what within an inch of my life" will feel like
I begin... Mami, te tengo que decir algo...I have to tell you what the doctor said...
**************************

Wracked with indescribable, unimaginable aches I am angry,
This body is no longer mine
It is a pin cushion, it is a bundle of pain, it is an abstract creation
It is theirs, to poke, burn, dismantle and put together again
Resolved to be stronger than the silent killer lurking in my body.
Loving hands hold me up when I am weak,
God is in me, He is my strength,
Mami pats my face, her face has new lines,
her broken heart pumping strength into mine
My baby kisses me gently, trying not to press anywhere that will make me wince, it frightens him.

He's so strong, a little man in such a short time
When I am alone, sweating, cold, I speak into the room,
Affirmation
Today is mine!
****************************************

Holding his hand, we joyfully run up the steps to the home that I grew up in,
that we waged war in
My steps have grown confident, I am a warrior
My child is a soldier, My mother a commander
We willed it away, we screamed it away
We cried it away, demanded it away,
how deeply how strongly we prayed it away...
And today at the door Mami smiles a real smile...
A victorious smile, a proud smile
She sits with him on her lap as I stir the rice...and this, This is all that I wanted
This is all that i fought for
This is all that I needed
These are the moments that I prayed for
And I thank God again that
Today is mine.

copyright Jani Rosado 2009

written for Poetry in Pink Breast Cancer fundraiser By Maggie's Latin Angels at Camaradas el Barrio

Artwork by Derek Santiago www.riceandbeanz.net

PLEASE MAKE A DONATION to support a cure, research and education.

The Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk is in October, the sooner the better...Thank you. 

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Rain Dance

My brain swollen with red pulsing lightning bolts
Whimpers and rolls about
Waiting for respite.

It’s raining today…
if my head wasn’t a throbbing ping-pong match I would put on my flip-flops
and dance in the rain with my children

One warm fall night… Indian summer
When we first moved into our new home
My family enjoyed a glorious rain dance
A joyous public shower made available
In the private shadows of the night sky
Laughing to the rhythm of the twinkling stars
We embraced the pearlescent glow of the gentle moon
Fingers and arms played with water and light
Feet made musical waves in the new pools on our front porch

Dancing
Praising God for home
For rain
For love
For family
For the path
For the moment
Smiling free as children
The rain wet our faces and clothes
Splashed into our spirits and moistened our hearts

What would the neighbors think?
Maybe that some crazy people moved next door
Maybe that they wished they could be innocent like us

For even just a moment worshiping
In unison, primal, unique, free
Kicking puddles in the safe blanket of darkness
Like a dream, like a movie, like a poem

I wish today were like that day
With thick shards of glass slicing my thoughts I can’t even laugh
The rain tapping on my pain looks cold and gray
Steely, uninviting
Reverberating in my head like bad memories
My heart beats tiny kicking feet into the backs of my eyes

I want respite
God warm the rain
Erase the ache
Like a marionette, pick up the threads and make me dance
Until it’s real again
I don’t care that it’s not
I just want to go through the motions

~JRosado 4/11/09