Entries in Love (4)

Thursday
28Jan2010

...one of those days...

today was a heavy laden day

full of confused miscommunication

feeling like garbled rocks and marbles

in my mouth throat and ears

 

feeling like trying to drag a cardboard box 

full of old familiar books, even adored ones,

dragging them words through the snow

in a cardboard box with a rope tied around it,

even though it would be easier to leave them there on the curb

it wouldn't be better, just easier.

so we pull

 

there's this awful oppressive feeling

like a wet blanket smothering flames hovering

between the lines

and i just want to say sweet things, 

whisper i love yous and tell you that

your smile is the glowing crescent

rising over the horizon promising a golden day... 

but you're not smiling right now

 

nope. at this point in the junction, i can't

because right now when i say "hello"

you say, "what?"

and when i say "goodbye"

there is silence

and i say, "hello?"

and you say "huh?"

and i say "goodbye"

and you say, "what?"

and now i'm just dizzy...

it's actually easier to stay on the line...

 

today was a heavy laden day...

until i saw you

handed you a bottle of white

listened to the tellings of your day

about work and self-control at level 10,

you did good inspite of corporate hand

around your throat...

 

as you spoke, the fact warmed into me...

i had known deep down that i was your refuge

that the crappy ass day of question marks

had nothing to do with me

that it was over and

i was part of the solution

so, why tangle myself into it

why fight?

 

i'd rather hand you a glass of wine

and let this day melt away

give you a hug, rub your hair

and wait for that smile

Wednesday
21Oct2009

escombros de mi corazon

angels by traumzauberbaum

Tu luz me alumbra


I’m reminded of

A smiling child in the morning sun

Timeless Neverending New 

Unaware that the dark takes breath 

Cynical eyes ache in the glare of souls reborn 

Dancing to the endless tune of their hearts melody

Dancing to the tune of their heart’s rhythm

We move keeping time

Who are you?



A sip of coffee, a candle’s light

Lingering in moments

Numb to pain

Common sense sits in another realm 

Chilled furnaces blaze in the face of a dawning moon 

Assault me with your eyes

Paralyze me with your words

I dont want to survive this fight

(No one survives)



This (skin) no longer contains me 

Languid glances dizzying senses

These empty streets can’t contain us

These hollow sounds don’t vibrate within us

Hot to the sight

Loud to the touch

Shivering Incindiary Sizzle

Ice cold fire juxtaposes

Breaking flames into palms

Branding universal symbols of aberration



Timeless Thoughtless Stark 

Light fuses with bone

Truth absorbs emotion

Feeling precipitates on the brow

Sweat drips down into valleys

Of unknown words 

We

Undiscovered Untainted Impenetrable

 


Encased in mystery

Eternal Fluid Ebb

Are you?

Can you?

Will you?

Write me down

History will know my name

Will speak in your voice 

Our explosion will go down in history 

Firmament bends under your will

Kinetic Reverberation Vibration

 

I don’t fade

I burn away

I whisper to you in storms

I scream thunder

Destroy the entire earth 

For you to be the only thing left to gaze upon

Nothing but essence

Energy speaks truth



Tomorrow burns bright

Swiftly Clean Pure

Your yellow lives in my eyes

Endless strokes of blue in green

Miles of sound

The sky glows

Backstroke in my mind

Your name is reflected in oceans of blue

I dive into you hoping to drown

Buoyant 

Calm eyes closed

Sailing into dreamlike state



Fade into you

Slope into you

Burrow into you

I wish to slake my thirst

These salty oceans hold no satisfaction 

Tears of time drowning

Filling Enclosing Me

Cellophane windows of pink & red

Peering out of my quiet heart

Pink fades to black 

Sleep owns your face

Dreams await

That will be soon

The bride of hope

Glistening gossamer decends

Do I obey?

Are my eyes open?

Opening portals of fear 

Strike Slamming Tremors

Spray stains, pain erupts

Careening into stone

I belong to the waves 



Words stumble and fall

When not speaking of you

To smile is to struggle, I notice

When you’re not around...

I don’t look for you

I search for you

I will never hold your hand

I will embrace it

Letting go is not an option

You will be my death

My judgement 

My resurrection


(Stop me before I start)





There is nothing but brick on the other side of the rainbow

But all I want are the colors that are in it

Painted grins

Sprayed with abandon 

Names emblazoned on concrete

Nothing that can be erased

Nothing that can be rebuffed

Nothing that can be replaced

Existant Claimed Illusion 

Name soaked into stone 

Paint your name across my canvas

Savor the crimson

Brace for eternity

I am afraid of the blue

Crisp, verdant, languid & lush

Passion blooms in purple swollen palms 

Slamming little hands into walls hurts

Bleeding dripping clenched fist covered in ink for your pleasure



I refuse to linger

I refuse to stall

I divorce the impossible

I divorce the past

I divorce the doubt

I divorce silence

I divorce the thoughts of anything but this

We speak in a language that only angels understand

While holding the hands of saints

We’ve walked on holy ground

It’s produced a miracle

The sun is dancing in Fatima

The moon is dancing in your eyes

You take on the confidence of warriors 

(I see the cracks in the facade)

The battle is bloody

This tear-stained ground calls up a warning

Songs smoke up from hallowed ground

These words 

Pure Holy Sacred 

Sound like nothing

Say nothing



You need only to look at me to know the truth

You need only to look at me to know the truth

 

Written by Jani Rose & Irizarry Santamaria

Monday
31Aug2009

Today is Mine

They are free of cares at this very moment,
Mami prepares dinner, I watch him sit on the floor with his toys
For just a few more hours, I want to live this...to see them worry free
I sit and watch them move their limbs without a worry in the world.
That will change soon, as it has for me
Once I tell her, every time she lifts that spoon it will be filled with a new knowledge. The rice she stirs will be heavy.
I know that he won't understand until the effects are visible, when I'm unable to play, when i'm unable to lift him into the air and swing.
I'll do that in a little while, because for now I can.
Because today is mine.
I know that Mami will remember me as a little girl. When my hair is thinning she will remember when it was growing in as a toddler. I will see that on her face...I dread that moment.
l look down and remember him at my breast as a newborn,
They were once a glorious miracle, they are now...tick... tick... tickiing
A wave of nausea washes me pale, my stomach tightens with fear.
Mami makes jokes that at first I don't hear. The sounds are abstract, they shimmer like water...her voice is lovely.
His laugh rises up twinkling like dewdrops on my spirit.
I am resolved and sure that I will dig in my heels, and
I will fight and battle within an inch of my life for the life that she gave me, for the life that I gave him
I'm so afraid of "what within an inch of my life" will feel like
I begin... Mami, te tengo que decir algo...I have to tell you what the doctor said...
**************************

Wracked with indescribable, unimaginable aches I am angry,
This body is no longer mine
It is a pin cushion, it is a bundle of pain, it is an abstract creation
It is theirs, to poke, burn, dismantle and put together again
Resolved to be stronger than the silent killer lurking in my body.
Loving hands hold me up when I am weak,
God is in me, He is my strength,
Mami pats my face, her face has new lines,
her broken heart pumping strength into mine
My baby kisses me gently, trying not to press anywhere that will make me wince, it frightens him.
He's so strong, a little man in such a short time
When I am alone, sweating, cold, I speak into the room,
Affirmation
Today is mine!
****************************************

Holding his hand, we joyfully run up the steps to the home that I grew up in,
that we waged war in
My steps have grown confident, I am a warrior
My child is a soldier, My mother a commander
We willed it away, we screamed it away
We cried it away, demanded it away,
how deeply how strongly we prayed it away...
And today at the door Mami smiles a real smile...
A victorious smile, a proud smile
She sits with him on her lap as I stir the rice...and this, This is all that I wanted
This is all that i fought for
This is all that I needed
These are the moments that I prayed for
And I thank God again that
Today is mine.

 

copyright Jani Rosado 2009

written for Poetry in Pink Breast Cancer fundraiser By Maggie's Latin Angels at Camaradas el Barrio

Artwork by Derek Santiago www.riceandbeanz.net

PLEASE MAKE A DONATION to support a cure, research and education.

The Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk is in October, the sooner the better...Thank you. 

https://secure3.convio.net/tacs/site/Donation2?idb=1090164977&df_id=1007342&FR_ID=19786&PROXY_ID=12599216&1007342.donation=form1&PROXY_TYPE=20&JServSessionIdr002=1gaptbluc1.app315b

Monday
11May2009

Through a Mother's Eyes

Innocence
Everlasting promises in your gentle newborn eyes
A thankful vessel I have been,
Fully aware that I carry the future in me
The future and the future and the future til the end of time and after
My child will live and give life
Today I look into your pools of light and fill them with loving smiles
Today, I scoop you, a small warm bundle of vulnerability into my arms
I press my cheek to your moist little mouth and rub my nose softly on yours
You belong to all
Past Present Future
But in this moment you are mine alone to embrace

All mother’s say it,
But you are truly the most beautiful child ever born
I pray
Abba
Teach me to raise Him as you will Him to be
Then I remember…
Although I never altogether forget
He is He
Gently but firmly
Tighter I hold
He is not mine but the world’s as no other child has ever been
I behold my Blessed Father
Tears of thanksgiving raise up in my eyes.
Emotion wells up in silent prayer
I love you, Lord.
I am but your humble servant
My child will be the man upon who’s shoulders the government will rest.
Wonderful counselor, wise healer, loving son, giving friend
In those words live my deep joy
Eternal Father
Thick foreboding
A thrill of terror runs through me
How will the world receive Him?
Will he suffer at the hands of those who don’t see him as He is
But as they are?

At this moment
Bubble of laughter dance up
Soft hands wrap around my finger
The fear subsides
Those are not questions for me
My purpose, He reminds me by opening his arms wide
Is simply to love Him

Jani Rosado copyright 2008