the paineater

she beckons for a gleaming kiss with nails 

like skewers glinting clutching close for a 

languid floray between lips

past protective gates, pearly doors

she traces smooth pink down into where the

memories slid, fell and settled, hunting with

tongue dipped deep into undersoul to taste nectar 

gathered like dew all days before

layers of unthought of decades

the morsel, tear glazed offering

sweet despair encrusted crystallized want

and longing for the unattainable your outstretched yearn

begging in dripping ribbons like so many unfulfilled

caramelized prayers ladled into her greedy palms

my heart looked in the mirror and cried today

we sat holding hands,

i asked how i could help and winced

as she tried to smile around her bruised cheek in gratitude

i the culprit, watched her fall, remorsefully

put my foot out and told her that it would be okay

that she'd be strong enough to take it

a bruised heart can be fatal google says

concerned i propped her up against my prayers

she gripped a rib and moved along slowly

the hard part will be over soon

you will live in euphoria all your days

i promised, i hoped, i pleaded with God

willing, strong, yearning

she hunkered down taking blow after blow

"i can take a little more", she reassured

but exhaustion set in and she fell so hard,

left me shaking my head, astounded, humbled, shamed

by how much she's willing to endure for 3 words

black rabbit in snow - 11/30

i knew that breathing them would spark the predator in you

inspire resentful sour spit to pour from your mouths pores

with large boldly innocent eyes i gazed up into your face

giving you a bigger target to bite, like black rabbit in snow

giving you the perfect vantage point, see

how wide my heart was stretched, waiting

all 3 small words hobbled out, purposefully perfectly pitched: weak, wimper,

nearly a whine placed under your boots, guaranteeing the desired effect

your confused mixture of disgust, disdain & the complete understanding that

you need to hear them more than i need to say them

"Querida Niñita" on "TheJaniRose" YouTube Channel!

I know, I know. I'm slow. I'm behind the curve but I'm trying! I have finally uploaded my first vid on YouTube. 

The backstory here is that I was honored by Linda Nieves-Powell of Latino Flavored Productions by a request to write and perform a piece for her production EPISTLES: Latinas Out Loud 2009. It was a balmy summer evening at the Nuyorican Cafe and I was surrounded by loved ones, fans and strangers who would soon become friends. There were approximately 20 letters read by people of all different sizes, shapes, colors and flavors. It was a night of tears and laughter. One which I will never forget. It made a huge impact by allowing me to purge something from my soul that had tortured me for many years. So many people revealed so much that night.

I hope you enjoy my contribution...Thank you for visiting. 

Rain Dance

My brain swollen with red pulsing lightning bolts
Whimpers and rolls about
Waiting for respite.

It’s raining today…
if my head wasn’t a throbbing ping-pong match I would put on my flip-flops
and dance in the rain with my children

One warm fall night… Indian summer
When we first moved into our new home
My family enjoyed a glorious rain dance
A joyous public shower made available
In the private shadows of the night sky
Laughing to the rhythm of the twinkling stars
We embraced the pearlescent glow of the gentle moon
Fingers and arms played with water and light
Feet made musical waves in the new pools on our front porch

Dancing
Praising God for home
For rain
For love
For family
For the path
For the moment
Smiling free as children
The rain wet our faces and clothes
Splashed into our spirits and moistened our hearts

What would the neighbors think?
Maybe that some crazy people moved next door
Maybe that they wished they could be innocent like us

For even just a moment worshiping
In unison, primal, unique, free
Kicking puddles in the safe blanket of darkness
Like a dream, like a movie, like a poem

I wish today were like that day
With thick shards of glass slicing my thoughts I can’t even laugh
The rain tapping on my pain looks cold and gray
Steely, uninviting
Reverberating in my head like bad memories
My heart beats tiny kicking feet into the backs of my eyes

I want respite
God warm the rain
Erase the ache
Like a marionette, pick up the threads and make me dance
Until it’s real again
I don’t care that it’s not
I just want to go through the motions

~JRosado 4/11/09

why do i feel this way?

the air is stagnant in the eye of the storm

i'm there again. this neverending dizzying cycle of life has me twisted into yet another repetitive dysfunctional exhausting place. feeling like too many things are happening and nothings changed and this day and the other day and the next day are blurring together and i feel the sick inside waiting for the water, waiting for the pain to cease or begin at this point there is nothing. i need something. something to take me in and turn me about and make me rise and laugh and high and higher my hair wants to fly and my eyes want to sparkle. my stomach is drowning in morose twitches, my back tired of the bricks that are crushing the air. my lungs, my legs are soft my teeth aching. time is passing. new time is the same as old time. i was told it would be happy. hot stale breath blows into the cavern in my chest reminding, teasing memories. promises. the hope. how many times have i waited? big challenges, small victories. hold on. breathe them in. stop. unwrap the wound. let them heal. they're still moist. and decaying. give them sunlight. let them dry. fear is your friend. let it burn where you grow. jump off the precipice. lick the toads back and see the colors of you. there's no other choice but to do what it is that must be done or the saturated hues you seek will never penetrate your vision. will never focus. finish one thing move on to the next. why does this dizzy? why is this so hard? when did one thing become five and five gave birth to five and now the things i have to do have great grandchildren. i want to sleep, but i never do. i want to eat, but it wont fill the void. i want to connect. feel love. grab on. hold tight. climb the mountain. yell. scream. fight. kick and be the best me that i can. be but i wont let me. there's a gag. there's a noose. there's a blindfold. be good. be smart. behave. be sane. take. give. step by step. little by little. foot in the crack. fingers in the nook. up and over. i'll be able to see passed the mess. past the clutter. once i'm up there i can be 

it will be new

it will be mine

i will be

and i just want to be who is me

~jani rosado